The Random Thoughts From Yani
Onion Wings... Biting Apples (i mean apples that bite). Butterflies with specs. Squirrels on Coffee... Yani on Coffee... Yani Realising her last dose of Caffiene was about 6 hours ago... Purple... Shoes... Penguins... Purple Penguins Pretending Polar bears are Present, and that they're Purple. The 2000 words she needs to write... not on this blog... but on the 2500 word essay she has to hand in about 14 hours...
Yani wants coffee... She also wants a brilliant mind that isn't too lazy to work. at the moment yani thinks she lacks the brilliance, and the motivation. without either i believe that's what's called a bum. now yani's thinking of the big thing she's sitting on. or rather what allows her to sit on anything. yes yani is thinking of her ass. she likes her ass, she thinks it's big, but that's what makes it beautiful. and now she thinks the only reason she thinks this is because other people tell her her ass is nice. if that wasn't the case what would yani think of her own ass as? big will always be a popular adjective for it. but whatever the reasons that i like my ass for, i know i like it and i have no issues about it. just issues about why i dont have issues about it. gasp. yani stopped using 3rd person to refer to herself with. gasp again, she started again. now yani thinks she must have some sort of attention seeking disorder. wait...that's confirmed by the existance of this blog. also, why did yani writing in 3rd person to begin with?
Maybe because saying 'I' too many times would've made me sound ego-centric (note: meant to be sarcastic/funny....please laugh) maybe yani is podantic. was that spelt right? comment me if not.
(there was a 3 minute silence from the keyboard. I got distracted, sorry)
now yani realises that the only reason she is boring the readers she thinks she has, is because she isn't doing her work. or doesn't want to do her work. maybe she's doing this because if she stays up all night, she'll have yet another triumphant whiny story to tell someone...
now yani is on the phone so she has to go now! baibai....
God those were good goodies!
*sigh* ye olde snacks of mine childhood. how sweet were they in those sugar driven days. when diabetes and obesity were far from our minds, and chocolate goodness and grey-matter damaging perservaties close to our lips (and far from our hips). the days ere health conscious society.the days long gone...
i miss pushup ice cream...i went to a restaurant in Brunei called Capers over the summer holidays and my sis told me their ice cream tastes like the aforementioned ice cream. i ordered it n tasted it and said, "Oh my God you're right! it taste like it! with the cardboard and everything!"
LoL...thought that would bring some smiles and nostalgic sighs for the this ever nearing end of 2006 :D
emotionally attached to emotional attachment
What can i say? I hate being alone. Not just physically, but also emotionally. companionship is just really important to me. perhaps it's because i know i can't depend on myself. maybe i've never really tried.
maybe that's what all this change is about. giving it a try. giving independance a shot. or maybe it's more of a stab at being lonely. loneliness, silence, emptiness, 3 things i don't think i can stand for very long. hell i can't even stand having a fag outside alone without something to occupy me for the mere 5 minutes. maybe it's a normal thing to crave distractions. i also crave for distractions to ignore. more specifically, people to ignore.
most people who are in some sort of relationship, with a friend, lover, or family member, think that that just means they're taking the other party for granted. that they don't care about them anymore. could be true. but what if it's just that they're so comfortable with them being there, that they treat them as a part of their life. the same way you would expect the bed u sleep in to be there at night just as you left it in the morning. n using the same idea, we have to ignore the want to lie in bed if we've got that important bit of work to do.
i work better around someone else's schedule than around my own. i've gotta have someone to say, "you have to do this by this time, and this before that time", so i can work around it. but once i've got all the free time in the world. or at least a whole day dedicated to me, m lost, confused, and totally unable to structure my day.
i am constantly in need to need someone or something. i constantly think of a person to long for. i spend those 5-10minutes outside having a smoke, and instantly i thnk of someone to call. then i look through my phone to find that victim to ring. and when i realise that all the 4 people i can think of are unreacheable, then i realise that as friendly and as open as i am, i guess in a weird way i don't really let many people in.
this post is getting very off tangent :p
okay, i might just stop abruptly right here and go off to bed. it's wayyyyyyy to late (early?) for all this thinking. and oh my God, Pocoyo is on TV :D
It's me again
Hello to whoever reads this blog. It's been a while since I've written anything. and i apologize for my appaling skills of updating. For the first time in a while, if not ever, i'm going to write up an update of random things that directly or indirectly involves me somehow. not because i'm self centered or anything, but then, i have a blog. how much more self centered can i get? lol
it has been the fastest 5 weeks of my life. no idea where the says have gone. where the hours went. if time flies, then it must pilot a jet plane! i havent travelled much since i got back from brunei. been to london, surrey, leeds and surrey. thats it really =S ...such a lazy bugger...
been trying to keep myself busy. mostly coz i never am. i hate to repeat myself but... im such a lazy bugger...
oh my god! this update is so boring. hmm..need to bring some life to it!! come on now...where's that zest for life part of u gone yani?? Yani?!!! oh dear... my enthusiasm has left me a note "i need a break from reality, taking a vacation with your sanity. be back soon...ish..."
oh my...well then...once again i have managed to waste, oh, 15minutes of my life NOT doing work. eek. LoL...so maybe i should go now n pretend to do some =S
bad yani...do ur work...
babai now...
if life was an onion
no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't find something less cliche if i were to find something to describe life in a single object. so...life as a rose. it starts out as a bud. concealing it's many petals. the stalk full of soft thorns like the silent dangers that lurk around the corner of adolescence. the rose blooms and reveals its many layers of beautiful petals. the petals fall with time, but the rose remains sweet smelling and beautiful. the thorns harden. and what would life be without thorns.
maybe i should stop there. because i think life as a rose is slightly too hard to believe. i think life is like an onion. if u had a whole onion bulb, and it was the first time u had ever seen it, you wouldn't know that there are layers. you wouldn't know that the onion hs a bad smell (in my opinion) you wouldnt know that when u peel one, the stench makes ur eyes sting and tears form. u wouldnt know that the smell from the onion stays on ur skin like a like a leech that just broke fast. odd analogy i know.
life is an onion. because the more u peel it, the more u cry, the more ur eyes sting. and at some point, the tears stop, but the sting in ur eyes stay. and u can only really know how many layers there r when uve come to it's end.
as ure peeling ur onion and fighting the tears or at least ignoring the sting, u don't know how deep ure in. ho far uve gone. ure just perpetually peeling. because u dont really have a choice. in ur head ure thinking "why am i peeling?" and i guess whether u know it now or later, maybe never, it's cause without the peeling, without the tears, you wouldnt be able to make some sweet or savoury meal for someone else. maybe for urself. i dunno. maybe someone else's life is a gorumet meal. and it's up to them to salt it or pepper it, cut it up, whatever. but my life's an onion. but in the end, an onion or a rose, it all came from the ground, and it'll go back to the ground. and every rose or onion has a purpose. my onion waits among other onions in a little plastic bag on the shelf of some supermarket in some little town in some little country waiting for the day someone needs it
I woke up to the past
Here I am in coffeezone gadong. Alone again, drinking my iced mochachino, smoking my umpteenth cigarette...Wait...Only my fourth. Been having the most interesting week. With a lot of little serendipity moments, coincidences and what not. Talk about blasts from the past. Seeing people long stored in my mental black book. And interestingly have been having surprises on anniversaries I've long forgotten, but I suppose did not forget me.
And all these little puzzle bits that I've been happily piecing did not exactly come together but rather shattered into many more pieces in this one momentous day, and I'm like "Oh shit". But other than the tiny anti-climax, the week has been pleasantly nostalgic.
Though it has also made me realise something. And that is that I have no foundation to stand on when I need one other than family and my Teddy. When my Teddy isn't here, and when family is the last place I can find solace, I've realised there is no one else. But hey, I've got my iced mochachino. I've got my addictions. I've got my own little world to run off to when I want. Only problem is it's just a tiny bit lonely. Not a big deal really. Thought I was used to it. but i suppose the older you get, and the more you have to do, the more you want to create a life that is your own. And I guess I should've thought of that a while ago, but even if I had, I wouldn't have been able to do much.
Life for me was centred much around a group of people I could never let go of even if I wanted to. It still is. But both parties have realised I now have the right to create another life on top of the 3 I already have, and that life will, one day (if I'm successful) be called my own. One I created through the pleasant phenomenon of chance. And the wonderful power of choice. But for now I suppose I'll just sit here with my merecenary, purchased friends and later recline into a eutopia powered by nicotine and caffiene and a wild imagination. Ahhh... "one more iced mochachino please..."
Now as the waitress leaves with a face puzzled with suspicion and sympathy I sit back and revel in the fact that I'm not the only one feeling sorry for Yani
Your prayers are answered but you're too busy praying you don't notice
A man with skin darkened from years of the Sun’s molesting walks through the desert at a quick pace. His skinny legs treading on a track hidden by the mask of the landscape. The desert’s many shapes and forms changing any landmark, leaving anyone virgin to the desert desperately lost. This man knew his way. How? Only he and God knew. Looking down only a few times to catch the shadow of a retreating snake’s tail or to take a second glance at that lizard shaped rock move. He walks with determination. Looking up to the sky with a sort of useless hope, he heaves a big sigh. Knowing his way through the ever changing landscape of his home, knowing every creature’s intentions and have them know his, he had full command of where he stood. In the middle of nowhere, he knew where he was. The only thing unknown and unpredictable to him was whether the Sun’s months of parching every water based creature would finally come to an end and let the clouds pass by unharmed. But the man knew too well that hoping was useless. He needs to make this walk to make up for what he cannot depend on.
He reaches the waterhole. The animals there hardly noticing his presence. All feeling a mutual need to ignore each other and silently revel in the fact that there is some sort of relief from the relentless heat. He fills his water bottles and arranges them neatly behind his back. He stays there for just a few more moments to wash his hands and face. His bony frame shivers with excitement as the water trickles down his neck and chest. Feverish hands controlled by his considerate nature. Telling them not to be greedy and leave before he causes the waterhole to dry up quicker than usual. The trickling of water down his face, neck and body lessen quickly in the heat and light. He looks at the small waterhole. A puddle in the massive ocean-less beach he lives in. Only the ripples made by the eager animal’s tongue disturbs the glass-like image of this puddle a whole ecosystem, depends on. The man’s reflection untouched by the ripples, untouched by the wind. And thankfully, untouched by the Sun. His perfect reflection is suddenly penetrated by tiny drops of something. The trickling of water down his face, neck and body returns, but he remains still. The drops of water turn solid as they silently hit the ground. As unceremonious as they had arrived, they left. Still not knowing what had just happened, the man looks up; only to catch the last remaining rain drops in his eye. Instinctively he shuts his eyes and from the one rain drop savoured, more drops of water appear to leave his eyes. Had he missed what he had forever longed for? No he had not missed it. it had missed him. He, present and alive at that moment in time felt the rain without knowing it was rain. He, still wet from the brief and blessed shower stood there almost unsure how he had come to be so. And now his tears fell without fully knowing the cause. So suddenly had what we prayed for arrived that he had no time to savour it before it left him only to pray once more.
