unreflectedsoul

I woke up to the past

Here I am in coffeezone gadong. Alone again, drinking my iced mochachino, smoking my umpteenth cigarette...Wait...Only my fourth. Been having the most interesting week. With a lot of little serendipity moments, coincidences and what not. Talk about blasts from the past. Seeing people long stored in my mental black book. And interestingly have been having surprises on anniversaries I've long forgotten, but I suppose did not forget me.

And all these little puzzle bits that I've been happily piecing did not exactly come together but rather shattered into many more pieces in this one momentous day, and I'm like "Oh shit". But other than the tiny anti-climax, the week has been pleasantly nostalgic.

Though it has also made me realise something. And that is that I have no foundation to stand on when I need one other than family and my Teddy. When my Teddy isn't here, and when family is the last place I can find solace, I've realised there is no one else. But hey, I've got my iced mochachino. I've got my addictions. I've got my own little world to run off to when I want. Only problem is it's just a tiny bit lonely. Not a big deal really. Thought I was used to it. but i suppose the older you get, and the more you have to do, the more you want to create a life that is your own. And I guess I should've thought of that a while ago, but even if I had, I wouldn't have been able to do much.

Life for me was centred much around a group of people I could never let go of even if I wanted to. It still is. But both parties have realised I now have the right to create another life on top of the 3 I already have, and that life will, one day (if I'm successful) be called my own. One I created through the pleasant phenomenon of chance. And the wonderful power of choice. But for now I suppose I'll just sit here with my merecenary, purchased friends and later recline into a eutopia powered by nicotine and caffiene and a wild imagination. Ahhh... "one more iced mochachino please..."

Now as the waitress leaves with a face puzzled with suspicion and sympathy I sit back and revel in the fact that I'm not the only one feeling sorry for Yani

posted by Yani Malai @ 3:59 PM