the basics blown with the wind
The wind here in York grows stronger. Spring teases us with the sunny days, and the sudden showers and darkness. The pretty soft snow that once fell hardens into hail. The flowers bloom in vain. Living a short life in the day, dying with the frost at night. Spring fails us. The signets wade in the water and shiver in their soft down. The little ducklings try to find warmth underneath the belly of a hungry mother. The father pecks abusively at the mother. Layers of thick clothing does not keep me warm. My scarf chafes my neck. My skin dries and crinkles. The first few seconds of my favourite song does not fill me the same way it used to. And many things I used to think about when I am sad somehow cannot fulfil their purpose now. Ahh I've let slip that I'm sad. It's weird really... I don't know if I've felt this way before. Shakey, empty, tired but not sleepy. Sounds more like I have a fever. Maybe it's just the normal hormonal imbalances the female species gets time to time. The kind all men have to endure from us women at one point in their lives at least. Ahhh the things men have to endure from me. My strange annoying tendencies to f*ck them up and screw them over. My ability to turn the most patient, non-jealous person into an angry, suspicious green-eyed monster."Are you tired of being marriage material? Are you annoyed with being the perfect man? try my free 3 day trial and i gurantee you I will kill your ideals and morals. Just 3 days and i will make you into a man who believes that all women are scum! try it now and you will not be disappointed" - this will be my online dating advert i think one day.
Life is a balance of a bunch of things. Not as consistent as math may be. But as fragile as an equation of equlibrium. Perfect balance equals ideal life. Tip the balance one degree from norm, and that equals reality.
I live in reality now. It's ironic how reality is so blurry and leaves me feeling numb. Can one even 'feel' numb? Isn't numbness the inability to feel anything? Ahh well anyway...
The inability to feel anything. I have that. I am a woman who apparently thinks too much that i have no space for feelings. I think so much that I generate negative feelings out of other people.
So what is it now then? This inability to think straight, this inability to make connecting paragraphs, or to keep a sane conversation. Is this what it feels like when a woman who thinks too much learns to feel?
Is this pain in my chest due to my rarely used, unfeeling heart beginning to have life? Ahh yes... The same feeling one gets when one goes to gym and uses that odd, frightening looking machine that claims to rid you of your cellulite. And then afterwards u feel pain in muscles you didn't even know you had. Must be the same concept.
Let's see what other unknown parts of me exist. The best way to find out if something exist seems to be through pain. "I think therefore I am" I don't know if that's quite accurate anymore.
posted by Yani Malai @ 1:07 AM
1 Comments:
Sometimes it does seem like you are repeatedly and inevitably spiralling into the same patterns of hurt and despair and you don't seem to be able to let it go...
Then you wonder, "Am I somehow addicted to pain? Can I not survive without letting myself fall again?" No easy answers here...
One thing that almost always works for me when when I'm tired of crying and want to go back into the world is to look at my own tear-streaked face in the mirror and smile...somehow the silliness of it all usually makes me laugh...
In my opinion, life is infinitely unbalanced...there is no one who can achieve much less maintain an 'ideal' life...
In the first place, Ever has made pairs of everything, male and female, good and evil, happiness and sadness...without the bad stuff there can be any good stuff, life would be monotonous, as someone in "The Royal Hunt of the Sun" said 'they have nothing to covet, so covetousness dies at birth' i.e. we would never appreciate what we have, like colours, music, serenity...if we never fear losing them...
Also, we humans always hunger for more, temptation is everywhere, it is difficult to remain satisfied with what you have and not compare it with someone else...What we tend to overlook is the fact that while you are eyeing their grass, they are planning on how to obtain yours...
Ever provides imbalances to sow appreciation but provides 'equality of disequality' so that we can share our lifes and sort out our messes with love and help from one another...
Call me naive but that's what I believe...
Wait a minute, am I getting out of topic? Are those even connected trains of thought? Oh well...
Fight on :], and Stay sane ;p
Ai Li
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