unreflectedsoul

saving my blog with stuff from the past

Something i wrote quite a while ago. i have severe writer's block. so i will only be posting old crap for a while. sorry to disappoint.

i wrote this when i was feeling down for no good reason. and i had the greatest need to be analysed, or criticised. to be told who i am, instead of having to go though the tiring process of 'finding myself'. thats why i talk about stabbing my heart, cause i wanted to go introvert to the extreme. but anyway, it was a while ago. enjoy the weird words of yani.

I see pain seeping out of the gaping wound.
Blood trickles without a sound.
I suck on the blood like it was food,
Trying to catch every drop before they hit the ground.

Look at all the pieces of broken wood
Scattered across the floor.
Who is responsible for this mess?
It wasn’t here before.

A tingling sensation creeps up my spine,
My head throbs with heat.
I start to feel giddy; I start to feel faint,
I look around for a seat.

A sharp pain thrusts into my chest,
And I feel a powerful knock on my head.
I smile, enjoying the torture,
They think I’ll cry, but I’m laughing instead.

I hear a cackle from somewhere unknown,
I look around to see.
And there I look into a pane of glass to find,
That the cackling came from me.

I’m taken aback. Shocked,
But still I see an evil smile form.
It’s like someone who purposely holds a metal rod,
While standing outside in a storm.

My heart beats faster, but I am not afraid,
I am not scared, frightened, or shocked.
Just sitting there quietly watching,
Listening to my mind run amok.


But then I wake up.
My eyes are open as if they could never close.
My heart in reality is beating fast,
But my body feels cold.

Why did I dream such a nightmare?
Why did I feel that way?
Why am I so sadistic? Masochistic?
Sometimes I feel like I’m going insane.

Do I truly want to do that to myself?
Do I really want to see blood, and feel pain?
No, no, no, no! No…
I despise feeling this way…

The sun’s rays shine through my curtains,
The bright light hurts my eyes.
I try to stare at the morning sun,
But my eyes start to sting, and I begin to cry.

I feel like probing my mind…
I feel like tearing myself apart,
I feel like gnawing on my own insides,
I feel like stabbing my heart.

Ha-ha… My heart? Do I even have one?
I think I lost that a long time before.
And soon must follow my sanity,
Slipping, slipping, to where? No one knows…

Ahh… the cackling is back.
But I’m not dreaming anymore…
A tiny voice within, muffled, says,
Help me, help me, before—

Before what? Before it’s too late?
I’m afraid it may already be so.
But why I wonder, there’s no reason.
No anger, no pain, no sorrow.

Oh yes, yes… it’s just me…
Just me and my adolescent, pitiful self.
Crying, weeping, asking “Why oh why?”
And smashing my head against the shelf.

I’d better end this long poem,
Before I can never stop…
It’s beginning to sound like a suicide note,
Which I grant to all is not.

How to end it? How? How?
How shall I end this masterpiece?
I have no more words, no more soft phrases,
All is gone form mind and speech…

So this way it shall end…

posted by Yani Malai @ 9:24 AM