Thursday, April 20, 2006

No one knows you better than yourself

At some point in everyone's life, one will ask themselves, "who am I?" This is of course given that your life is privelaged enough that thoughts like "Why can't I have something other than boiled potatoes?" do not occupy your mind. So...for the group of people that live in a moderate lifestyle and actually have so much time on their hands that self identity matters, this question very often comes up. And I know this question has entered my mind as many times as the words "I know who I am!!! umm...wait no...I was wrong" has left my mouth.

So many people tell you to describe yourself in 3 words, a sentence, as an object, as an animal, as a character in a film, etc... and many people I know wouldn't even be able to write a book about themselves that they are totally confident is accurate. But who is to judge what/which description of yourself is most accurate? Your family? Your friends? Your lover? Yourself? God knows... - literally. The saying "no one knows you better than yourself" comes to mind. But is it true? Can someone who is constantly in search for self identity able to 'know' themselves? No idea.

But hey...sooner or later, one realises that "Wow...I think I am finally comfortable with myself! I think that at least now I know which kind of me I like being". And then one thinks they've got it figured out.

It's annoying and scary as well to one day realise that who you thought you were, isn't who you are anymore, or wasn't you to begin with. What you felt you were comfortable with was merely an image of yourself that you would like to be. Humanity tries endlessly, and hopelessly to draw everything in black and white. Including themselves. Humanity continuously makes the effort to simplify everything into a little equation. Into a single sentence. Into a single system of belief. Into a single colour. Into generalisations that will be contradicted the minute you share it with a second person. And now we attempt to generalise ourselves.

I wonder what Adam and Eve would've concluded had they ever gone through this stage of 'soul-searching'. Of course they had a lot more to worry about other than searching for self identity - like searching for each other (note: this was supposed to be a joke. But i predict that only one snicker and grin will be produced due to this attempt at getting to know that stranger; humour)

It's amazingly satisfying to realise for the first time that you are happy with yourself. That who you are does not bother you, and that you have finally stopped your mission to please everyone by changing every little habit you have. And it is equally disturbing to realise that knowing yourself is a work in progress. It's like trying to standardize a language. which is only truly achieved when the language dies. When it stops changing and evolving, only then can one generalise it. Only then can a true, accurate and concrete description be listed out.

So everytime you think you've got it figured out, the next minute you realise you're wrong. I wish that certain things about me never changed. But I find that when I get hold of something I feel is consistent, it slips out of my hand, and I'm left there without it only reminiscing what it was like to have it. I keep turning to the past as a reference of who I am. realising that how i face the present is what makes me. realising this, but not doing anything. numbed by laziness? numbed by excuses? blinded by the glory of the past. the deeper i reminisce into the past, the sadder i feel. my life now and before is the same. happy, satisfying. but my attitude is not. As if like a rose I feel my petals wither and fall with every passing second, until one day I am but a stalk of thorns.

I forogot what I'm talking about. Oh well, down to the mundane

According to tickle.com, I have an "unusually strong talent for precognition". I found that really quite cool, though also quite hilarious. Filled to the brim with confidence that I can see the future, i tried to test it by trying to 'predict' (or better put, guess) what a friend of mine was about to watch. And after the 5th try i finally got it. 'Woohoo!' I think anyone with that many guesses would have guessed it, even if he had not heard of the film...

This blog is probably the only outlet I have that I have not infected somehow with lovey-dovey true stories of my life. And i feel that some people might be happier if i left it that way. so it shall be for now =p

Do i write too seriously? i think i do. wayyyy to formal. need to loosen up and let go (hmm..strange, i keep saying that to my jeans and my stomach repsectfully) *that was, unfortunately for all you readers, another attempt of mine to crack a joke* the only thing i've ever been able to crack are my joints when im in an uncomfortable situation...

*crack*crack*

Soon i will be faced with an event that will probably change my life significantly. enough that i am very much tempted to take the easy way out and just quit. just continue to sit here and do nothing...my ass is very much happy to live the rest of its life growing into the shape of this chair (urgh...square ass...*shudder*) Yes my ass is another entity on it's own. I'd let it write in here too, but i fear that i talk through my ass enough that i think it's already well represented. plus i don't think anyone could talk about more shit than I can than of course an ass. and here i'll stop because it's getting gross.

so yea...to make this blog ridiculously cliche, let's borrow a famous quote from a movie, "dark and difficult times lie ahead Harry Yani. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right, and what is easy".

I'm not made of black and white

posted by Yani Malai @ 8:18 AM